Posted by: Dustin Faulkner | August 15, 2009

cslewissquare

i wish i could fine out who that was that told that girl that one time that he loved her back when he was 17. i wish i knew what was going through his mind, why he chose that spot, those words, that girl, that time. so specific, so well thought out. so well planned that even when she walked away crying he still stood there finishing what he came to say.

and i wish i knew who that 11 year old boy was that lied to his mom about what he and that 11 year old girl that lived down the street was doing in the basement. why he felt so brave after kissing that he could have stared down anyone. why her sweet sticky lipgloss on his shirt was clear and his mom didnt notice.

i wish i could find out who that 20 year old son was that finally became a man when he finally gave up everything he had hung on to the last 20 years. when he found out he wasnt worthy of his selfishness. how he wasnt worthy of his pity, he wasnt even worthy of the shame he felt when he really saw himself

no i dont need to find myself. i dont need to look in the mountains of other countries or near the water with tiny bits of glass all on my parents credit card. i dont need have to look in the spaces between the black and white keys or the chunks of wood missing from the maple or rosewood where the frets meet the grain. no i dont need to look in the name thats inscribed in the side of that pew ive been in half my life, or the floor of a temple or a mat i bought to take to that yoga class ive never been to.

no i dont need to find out who i am. id rather remember who i was.

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